Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Return of the Tooth!


So I look at my blog and I see that it has been exactly one month since my last post. Some of you may be wondering what has been clogging up my output. I shall attempt to explain, in the simplest way I know how.

I was kidnapped by happy-go-lucky pirate children.

For three weeks I was forced into slave labor upon their schooner. It was actually not an entirely unpleasant experience, as they mostly just laughed in foreign tongues and danced around a great big vat of pudding.

But, after those three weeks I was deposited back on dry land with one lady's sandal and a small pony named Fred. I managed to make my way back to Booth and Noble, having only Fred for sustenance, and upon my arrival was immediately put back to work in the music department.

Yesterday, for example, was a typical day in the music department of Booth and Noble. Hours went by with nary a customer in sight, until The Man with One Tooth walked in.

Yes, one tooth.

He also has mutton chops and a hat.

For some reason, this gentleman focuses on me and decides that, in the world of lonely men, he is going to befriend me. Now, I had had some of this "befriending" when I was involved in the world of pirates, but at Booth and Noble, that would just be inappropriate, as well as smelly. But he wouldn't stop talking to me. For an hour this man talked to me.

Part of his diatribe was an inquiry about a film: Strategic Air Command. He wanted to know if we had it on DVD.

We did not.

In fact, according to our computers, it was not available in DVD. Period.

What was fascinating, though, was how a little bit of knowledge can ruin a perfectly good query. For, following this up, this Toothful gentleman decided to ask whether the movie was available in ANY FORMAT. And not all at once. No, he would wait until I had picked up my scanner and moved to a different part of the department, and then he would come back over to the desk, forcing me to come back to the desk, and ask:

"Is it on DVD?"

"No, it's only on VHS."

Then he would say, "Ok, I'll let you get back to work now" and walk away. I would once again leave the desk and go to a different section, and thirty seconds later he would turn around and come back to the desk, forcing me to walk back to the desk:

"Is it on HD-DVD?"

"No, it's only on VHS."

"Ok, I'll let you get back to work now." Thirty seconds later.

"Is it on Blu-Ray DVD."

"Sir, if it's not on DVD, it's not on Blu-Ray DVD."

"What about Beta-Max?"

"What? Do you even have a Beta-Max player?"

"Yes I do, right next to my Gramophone and Daguerreotype"

Anyway, this goes on for awhile until She walks in.

She must be eighty five years old. He sees her and cupid strikes him down.

See has, you see, a hole in her cheek. (Since it is difficult to find a picture of a hole in someone's cheek, I simply linked here to a funny picture that came up when I typed in "cheek"). This hole is about the size...get this...of a tooth! It's not just that they were made for each other, it's that they were physically, and sexually, compatible. He can cheek hump her with his tooth!

Anyway, they get to talking, which means he gets out of my hair. She's carrying a computer book and I overhear this interesting tidbit from her:

"I didn't know you had to know what kind of computer you have in order to get a book about a computer!"

And his reply: "Yes, that's how they getcha!"

As their conversation gets going, I start to work near them. Since we've had a rash of thieveries recently, I thought it best to keep an eye on them (two eyes, actually: one on the tooth and the other on the hole).

However, being so close, I can't help but overhear:

Hole: [Looking at the Cary Grant Collection] "Is Cary Grant the Gay one?"
Tooth: "No, no, you're thinking of the other one."
Hole: "Who am I thinking of?"
Tooth: "Hudson...Rock Hudson."
Hole: "Oh yes, I like him. I thought you were going to say Perry Mason."
Tooth: "No, Perry Mason isn't gay."
Hole: "Oh, I'm SO glad about about that. I just love him."

I didn't really have the heart to tell them that Perry Mason, is, in fact, a fictional character, and that Raymond Burr, the actor that played Perry Mason, was, in fact, a well known homosexual.

But I digress.

As these two lovebirds make their way out of the department, Tooth turns to the lady and asks, "So, is there a husband at home?"

She turns to him, teeth showing through the hole.

"Nope. Dead."

He grins a wide, uni-tooth-ular grin, and says, "I'm so, so sorry to hear that." He tips his hat to her and the walk out together, presumably to cheek hump all night long.