Drugs, Hugs, and Janet Evanovich - Bookseller Day

Hello.

Yesterday was an exciting, busy day at the Booth and Noble. For a beautiful, Sunday it was particularly busy, which is exciting for those of us in the "book biz" because it means that we have lots to do. It is also a terrible situation because it means we have lots to do and we can't always do it because we are dealing with idiotic questions.

We Grunts refer to Sunday as "the day they let the inmates out." We open at 10, and it's very slow until about noon, when Church gets out. Then we get slammed with the onslaught of the throngs of the masses. Some days I get a line two or three people deep waiting to ask their ever-so-important questions. We can always tell the Church people, because they are dressed up, they have uncomfortable-looking children with them, and they always flock to the Religious Fiction section, which is overrun with books that have pictures of dark, shadowy figures and women with bonnets on the covers.

Anyway. Sundays can be annoying, to say the least.

A gentleman comes up to the counter. He is, unusually for a customer at Booth and Noble, polite. With a hat cocked on his head and a black, button down shirt, he appears quite dapper. A thin mustache graces his upper lip, like a small pet. He looks up at me (he's quite short) and asks, demurely,

"Do you have any books about hallucinogens?"

I stop in my tracks. Maybe I'M on hallucinogens, and I'm imagining this whole thing.

"Excuse me?" I ask. "Did you say, hallucinogens?"

"Yes," he replied, "hallucinogens."

"Like mushrooms and LSD and that stuff?"

"Yes."

"Do you want a book about the dangers of hallucinogens?"

"No, I want a book on how to make them."

"HOW TO...I mean, How to make hallucinogens? Like, Acid?"

"Yeah, I want to make them."

And then I look at the other books he has in his hands: How to Start a Small Business and How to Make Friends and Influence People.

I look it up in the computer. I could only find a few books, and most of them were about all drugs, not just hallucinogens. I asked, "would you like a book on cannabis? We have plenty of those in the gardening section." I led him over there and sat him down. A few minutes later he was gone...and I never saw him leave. .....

A little later a woman comes up to me. She is middle aged, probably abotu 53, and a little large. Also, she is very tall and looks down at me with massively eye-shadowed eyes: "Excuse me sir," she asks, "but, do you read?"

I look at her. "Yes, yes I do read."

"Well, have you seen the movie Time Alone? [note, I don't actually remember what movie she mentioned, so I made this up]"

"I have not."

"It stars that women...she was just made a dame..."

"Uh..."

"Judy...Douche. That's it."

"Do you mean Judy Dench?" I correct her.

"Yeah, maybe. Anyway, is there a book for that?"

I check. There is not, and I tell her so.

"Oh, that's my favorite movie. So...can you recomend a book to me? I have never read and I would like to start."

Now, I find it hard to believe that someone has NEVER READ a book. But I take this in stride.

"Have you tried Stephen King?"

"Sir, I have not read a book. I don't even know who that is."

I swallow to kill some time while I think. So I lead her over to the mystery section. "I might try something here, because these are pretty quick and pretty easy."

"I have gotten some recommendations from people to start reading. Let me know what you think," she says, unfolding a piece of paper. She begins to read: "Oscar Wilde. Thomas Pynchon. Kurt Vonne..." I cut her off.

"Those are all excellent authors," I say, "but it might be useful to work up to them. Why don't you try James Patterson?

She picks up Along Came a Spider and looks at the cover. "This looks like too much for me." She puts it down. I can't believe it -- I have just literally seen someone judge a book by its cover.

I take her one step over. "Why not try this?" I hand her a copy of Jonathan Kellerman -- mystery. She looks at it, but puts its back too. We then continue our journey until I have a brain flash.

"Here," I say, thrusting a book into her hand. "You will love this."

"This looks great!" She explains. And proudly walks off with One for the Money by Janet Evanovich. It, you see, was blue on the cover -- very calming.

Such was Sunday. Day of rest indeed...